Anyways, the first time i came on to write this blog, i had absolutely no idea what i was going to write about, just that i rly needed to write. I needed to get some of the crazy amounts of emotions running through my head lately out. Im not really sure what exactly it is thats bothering me, because theres so much im having a hard time with right now, and im running out of outs. I just feel like so much of my world is crashing down around me. Ive been so stressed lately and so confused, and too much recently ive just wanted to go sit down by myself and cry. And if u know me, u know the kind of person i am, and u know that i dont cry over very much. And i hate crying. I hate everything about it. The way it makes my eyes and my head hurt, the way it draws attention, the way it feels like im not in control, the way i feel vulnerable. I hate it. And thers only about one place and one hour and a half each week, and one group of people i feel safe doing it around. The one place where, even when things are wrong, everythng feels right. When im surrounded by people who care; people who wont judge or ask questions; people who can give legit advice, and the best hugs ;] But thn i go back home, back to life, for another 7 days, and i hold everythng in til the next week. But as old wounds are reopened, and the new ones cut deeper and deeper, holding it in is getting harder and harder. Especially being home alone all day; having to much time to think. And i know wher i should be running now, but sometimes its hard to run there. Well, not hard to run here, no, but sometimes it feels like it isnt enough, even though i kno it is, i still feel like i need another out sometimes. A lot of the time. Which bothers me. So that just adds to the list. So my confusion and whatnot just kinda goes in an endless circle between old family problems, my moms ex, my mom getting remarried, school, relationships, my own thoughts, and where i run. And decisions i made before. Ugh! I dont even know. -__- Well, really, i do. I know what i really need to do, its a matter of doing it. Of figuring everythng out. Figuring my life out. Figuring out my fears and my confusion and just sorting everythng out. Which me trying to do typically leads to more confusion.
And if u just read that whole thng, i apologize...it wasnt so much for other people to read as to get some of my thoughts out of my head and somewhere else where its a little easier to organize them. If u did read it though, thank u for being an amazing friend. I appreciate it more than u can imagine <3
Theres so much more to all of this crap then tht, and the first 2 times i wrote it were sooo much better, but i cldnt remember it exactly and im getting kinda tired and the computers running out of battery, so im leaving it at that for now. Maybe il add more some other time. Maybe not. Idk. I just needed to let my mind leak on to a paper for a little bit.
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