Just a shot in the dark

Long walks in the dark,

Through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I’m supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me,

God answered in silent reverie.

I said a prayer and fell asleep.

(I got this from this kids tumblr. I really like it.)

Warped Tour 09?!?

So im much to lazy to actually write, so im just gonna list all the reasons this was an incredible day =]

-All Time Low first thing in the morning

-The Devil Wears Prada, craziness

-A Day to Remember, ‘nuff said ;)

-Insane moshing

-Crowd surfing=FUN

-Laughing at the fact that i dont even know how many feet i took to the head.

-Hung with pretty much all my favorite people ever -Saving Nessa

-Cute guys lol

-Met two really good bands who were promoting

-Signing a member of one of said bands feet xD

-Jac Vanek bracelets

-Cheap sunglasses

-Lol, dancing in the rain

-Mud?

-Dying in senses fail’s pit

-The fact that you’d never guess those shoes were white

-The rain made it not be 5000 degrees all day

-Being styked lmao xD

And then the weekend just got even better, from using scuba diving equipment in my pool to going to chuch with ale and laura to staying up til 5:15 on stickam this morning, can we just rewind and play this weekend one more time? xD

Dear Mother,

I wish u could see inside my head for just 5 minutes. I wish u could understand why i act the way i do. I wish u could understand the person i am now. I wish u could understand why. But since i cant talk to you about anything anymore, u cant. And it sucks.
And theres things i kno i need to grow up about, but all of it still bothers me. Especially him. Mom, ive never been close to him. It would have been nice if you'd given me more than a week to get over the other one, the closest thing i knew to a real dad, leaving. But you didnt. You went on a week long trip to the islands with him. Id met him once. For about 2 hours. Another thing, before that, you found out hed been in the feds. Howd u find out why again? Oh yeah, you had ur cop friend search his name in the records. Its been like 3 years now mom, and has he told me and jordan yet? No. We know, yes, but only because you told us. And he still doesnt know you did. Yeah, thats really great. It does prove how close we were before he was such a big part of our lives tho. I bet if u just found out now, u wouldnt tell me. Because we arent close like that anymore. He ruined that. We never have time to sit and talk alone anymore. Between work and his obsessive running, you're always too tired to talk during the week, but on the weekends we're here, God forbid we do anything but spend time together as a huge family: with him, his daughters, me, you, and jordan. Yeah, a lot of serious discussion gets done there with his girls and jordan being loud and crazy and him being there; Im lucky if i get one word in. Thats okay, I dont feel like i could tell you anything anymore anyways, because your ideas arent yours anymore; their his. And i could never tell you how much he bothers me, because you'd either get pissed at me and tell me im ungrateful, or you'd get upset, and tht isnt the point. I just want you to understand how i feel. Instead i turn to my music and my friends and my church. Thts all thats left. But you guys almost never let me spend time with my friends, the only physical people left who care and who i can talk to and be myself around. I just get yelled at for being myself around u guys. And u wonder why im always texting them and have my ipod in my ears. But no, I cant ever be with them. This weekend for example, Friday i cant go out because u have to get up and run with gilbert in the morning, Saturday i cant have people over cuz you'll be running and at the beach all morning, Saturday night i cant go to church with them or go out because we're spending family time going to see HP, which i was invited to go to with friends twice already, then Sunday we have "family day" of which will be spent with gilberts entire family. Fantastic. Ugh, this isnt even half of the things, half the emotions, i wish i could portray to you right now. And i kno u really arent going to read this. But i really wish that u could understand; that you could see how much all this is hurting me. And i wish we could be close again. But i doubt it. This blog is ridiculously long. And really kinda crappy, but its pretty close to how i feel, minus the better descriptions of exactly how i feel. But maybe thats because i dont really kno exactly how i feel. There arent really words for this. Angry? Upset? Frustrated? Let down? Unworthy? Annoyed? Aggravated? Unimportant? Unwanted? Distant? All of that, yes. But theres so much more to it than that. I wish u could see it mom, see inside my head, see everythng ive felt in the last 3 years that you've missed; my writing doesnt do it justice, and talking definitely wont...but itd still be nice.We used to be the mom and kid who could share anything with each other. What happened? Oh, wait, he did.

Time

Time is a really scary thing to me. And i need to write a real blog about this, but this computers gonna die any second now...
: \

And so the story goes

I tried to post from my phone earlier, but it didnt work...

You've gotta be kidding me. This is now the third time im writing this blog. The first time it wouldnt post from my phone. The second time i deleted just as i was finishing up. Thank u technology.

Anyways, the first time i came on to write this blog, i had absolutely no idea what i was going to write about, just that i rly needed to write. I needed to get some of the crazy amounts of emotions running through my head lately out. Im not really sure what exactly it is thats bothering me, because theres so much im having a hard time with right now, and im running out of outs. I just feel like so much of my world is crashing down around me. Ive been so stressed lately and so confused, and too much recently ive just wanted to go sit down by myself and cry. And if u know me, u know the kind of person i am, and u know that i dont cry over very much. And i hate crying. I hate everything about it. The way it makes my eyes and my head hurt, the way it draws attention, the way it feels like im not in control, the way i feel vulnerable. I hate it. And thers only about one place and one hour and a half each week, and one group of people i feel safe doing it around. The one place where, even when things are wrong, everythng feels right. When im surrounded by people who care; people who wont judge or ask questions; people who can give legit advice, and the best hugs ;] But thn i go back home, back to life, for another 7 days, and i hold everythng in til the next week. But as old wounds are reopened, and the new ones cut deeper and deeper, holding it in is getting harder and harder. Especially being home alone all day; having to much time to think. And i know wher i should be running now, but sometimes its hard to run there. Well, not hard to run here, no, but sometimes it feels like it isnt enough, even though i kno it is, i still feel like i need another out sometimes. A lot of the time. Which bothers me. So that just adds to the list. So my confusion and whatnot just kinda goes in an endless circle between old family problems, my moms ex, my mom getting remarried, school, relationships, my own thoughts, and where i run. And decisions i made before. Ugh! I dont even know. -__- Well, really, i do. I know what i really need to do, its a matter of doing it. Of figuring everythng out. Figuring my life out. Figuring out my fears and my confusion and just sorting everythng out. Which me trying to do typically leads to more confusion.

And if u just read that whole thng, i apologize...it wasnt so much for other people to read as to get some of my thoughts out of my head and somewhere else where its a little easier to organize them. If u did read it though, thank u for being an amazing friend. I appreciate it more than u can imagine <3

Theres so much more to all of this crap then tht, and the first 2 times i wrote it were sooo much better, but i cldnt remember it exactly and im getting kinda tired and the computers running out of battery, so im leaving it at that for now. Maybe il add more some other time. Maybe not. Idk. I just needed to let my mind leak on to a paper for a little bit.