It has been a long time since ive written. And oh so much has happened.
Not gonna talk bout it here, cuz if i wanted u to kno, i told u. Basically, the kid i mentioned in my last blog, yeah, the one i was falling for, yeah, i was head over heels for him. Thankfully, im not stupid and naiive like he thinks, and i ended it. And he went obnoxiously bipolar on me. "I hate you," "Lets be friends," "Im drunk as hell and i dnt wanna lose you," "I hate you again," "I wanna b friends," "I hate you. Stay out of my life." Im done. And i cant stand the kid. I never wanted to not be friends, and im done giving chances. Last night just killed everythng thts happened. Im not gonna sit here and say i hate him tho. As much as i dislike him. Its not tht i hate him, its tht i hate how he is. He a jerk and always will be. He lies, he takes advantage of people, he uses guilt trips (which i hate, cuz im a sucker for 'em), and all around, hes just immature. Maybe one day he'll grow up, but i doubt it. And real quick, i just wanna say thank u to my friends for being there the whole time. I love you guys <3
Honestly, thts not even what i came on here to write about. What i wanna write about is so much more important, yet i have no idea how im gonna say it. Basically, im scared to death. And i shouldnt b, and i kno tht, but i am. The future scares me to death. All because of one date. One date. January 23, 2010. I should b so happy. I should be ecstatic, but im scared out of my mind. And for someone like me tht is such a hard thing to say. I should b so happy. Im finally gonna have a normal family. A mom, a dad, sisters, and a brother all living under the same roof. Yet as January comes closer and closer, im freaking out more and more, and feeling more and more set off from the rest f this 'family'. Im having a harder and harder time seeing my moms fiance as my 'dad', and his daughters as my 'sisters'. I cant treat them like actual family, cuz mymom would kill me if i ever told either of them off. And i can feel myself growing apart from all of them, evryone, the whole family. And saying this, im gonna sound like a selfish obnoxious brat, but idc, cuz its driving me crazy. I feel like theyre taking over my life. These people who arent related to me are coming into my home, taking time from my mom, time tht used to make us so close, taking away priveledges i used to have, and even the quiet in my own home. And idk, i normally can put up with change so well, but right now, right now im freaking out. I keep finding myself wishing it culd just b me, my mom, and my little brother again. And then i feel like im being ungrateful and im just confusing myself. And everytime i see them fight, i cant help but wonder if he'll be just like the rest of them. Because last time my mom was dating someone, man i adored him. I wanted them to get married. I wanteed to call him dad, cuz to me, tht was what he was. He was everything my dad wasnt. Then he left. Was just gone one day. He knocked up some chick from canada and was gone. Then tried to come back. That, that absolutely killed me. I dnt want it to happen again. And this guy became involved so soon after that one left, i never got over it, and i felt like i was losing my mom. And im honestly crying right now. and i hate it. And i dont know what to do. And i dont know what im going to do. Come January 23, am i gonna sit there and sob, or will i be able to keep a smile plastered on til im at home and away from everyone? Will i make a fool of myself having a breakdown standing with the bridal party or be a good maid of honor and stand there looking like im the happiest kid in the world. Guess i wont know til it happens. But man i am glad im going to Chik-fil-a right now with my friends. I need a hug -_-
*Edit: in case u hadnt guessed, my moms getting remarried next january.
-Oh, and i changed some stuff..wording and such...and added things...
And now, re-reading, and re-writing, theres so much more, but i dnt know how to say it or where to put it. I just wanna be with my friends right now. Cuz i love you guys for being here when i feel like i cant talk to my family...I love you guys<3
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Jillian, this is such a good entry. Tori forwared me the email, and im so proud that you were brave enought o dump such a dick like him. you deseve SO much better, and not somne who will guilt you to be with him. you're an amazing girl, and you should never let a guy controll you. you're worth wayy to much for that. also, I know you're scaredm an i'd probably be too if i was you. but have you sat down and talked to your mother about this? i mean, i dont want to barge in to buisness that doesent involve me, but it might help to voice how you feel. i'm sure your mom wants you to feel as comftrable as possible with this.
ReplyDeleteanyway, just know that i love you to death, and if you ever want to talk to me about things like this, just let me know. i'm allways here to listen to anything you have to say <33333
-Ale (just in case you didn;t know)
Thank you for making me think. This summer, so far, has been so mindless for me, but you just made me think. And I cried a little bit, too, because I know how it feels to be out of the loop or not where you belong even when it's exactly where you belong. To be kicked out of a circle and have nowhere to go, because if you take a step towards the others it'll be just as lonely.
ReplyDeleteI hope your mom knows how you feel about this. I don't know what I'd do if I find ten years along the road of my new marriage that my daughter doesn't feel good about this new family. When my friend's stepdad came into the picture and brought into his family a baby boy, he was so infuriated. He didn't think the baby belonged there and had told me that several times he thought about killing the baby. Now, I know you are more rational than him and I don't have to worry about that happening, but now that the baby is in their lives, he has become a bit more rational. :] I love you. <3